Right now as I write this I feel that I have stumbled onto another piece of the puzzle of trying to figure out what it is God wants me to do with my life. Well, for those of you who do not know, I finally realized after months of freaking out about what to do after school, that I didn't have much of an idea of what God wanted me to do. So, let's back up to the end of the school year.
As my last semester of college was drawing to a close I did not have a job, nor any prospects of a job. I had no clue what I was going to do or where I was going to go. For the past four years I have been convinced that becoming a worship leader is what I was supposed to do. So I studied Music Ministry at MNU for four years. Only now, I've come to realize that I'm not even sure if that's what God wants me to do. I know I am called to use music as a ministry tool, so I'm thankful that I did not waste four years of my life earning a degree I had no intention of using. However, I am not sure if worship leading is the path that God wants me to take; at least not in a church setting. That is really scary because I was so sure; maybe I had just convinced myself that was the path because it seemed like the easy answer when people asked me what I was going to do with my degree. So I graduated without a job, without any clue as to what I was going to do, other than move back home and try to pay the bills. For as long as I was scared, God did get me into the place where I actually became excited about that, because now every door was open; there were so many possibilities. So, for the time that I have been home, I have been seeking the Lord with a new approach: simply trying to get to know Him. While we were in Germany, the brother of a choir director that we were working with said to us, "If you want to know God's will for your life, get to know God". That seems like such a simple thing, but one that we don't normally take into account. Another revelation I had while in Germany, was that I feel called to use my music to somehow aid in helping those caught in the human trafficking industry. For those of you who do not know, I went on a missions trip to Thailand last year to work with an organization over there that aids in helping these kind of women. Before I realized this, it felt like the last two missions trips I had been on seemed so random and at opposite ends. Human trafficking and music ministry. I'm not sure if any two things could be farther apart. Yet, as odd as it seems, I feel the Lord leading me in a direction where those two will connect somehow.
To the present, I feel like I have found another piece, perhaps the biggest piece. I am not going to reveal it yet, seeing as how I have not even told my parents about it yet. Let's just say that it has always been a dream of mine since a was a little kid, one that I was sure could never happen. One I thought I was silly for dreaming about. But even though it's rooted from a childhood dream, who says that kids can't know exactly what it is they want to do for the rest of their lives? Who says that God doesn't speak to children about what His purpose for them is through what they are passionate about when they are young? I have a friend who shares my heart in how we want to raise our kids, and figuring out what our kids passions are and then helping them pursue those things are one of the ways we want to raise them. Unfortunately, this is a dream that seems very far out of reach right now. A lot of hard work and money are going to have to be put into it before it may become a reality. And it may take a long time to see it become reality. Yet, I trust that if this is what the Lord wants for my life, then He will help pave the way for it to happen.
I'm still not sure what the next step is, yet I know that if I continually seek the Lord then He will provide the answers. I believe this dream that has been there since childhood is there for a reason, because it is what I have always been passionate about. So that's why I titled this entry "Don't Give Up", because right now it seems so far out of reach, but if it is what the Lord wants, then it will come. Patience is a part of the journey. Right now God is asking for my patience as He works out the details of His plan for me. And I am so excited to see what is next!!!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
When the Heart Waits
Wow! It has been a very long time since I have written. I really do miss it! The problem is I can just never seem to find the time... lame excuse. I use that for everything! Most people do though, I've realized. Time. There is never enough of it. Yet no matter how much time passes, we are always waiting for the next thing to happen, constantly looking ahead to the future. I mean, I know we can't help but be excited or curious about what is going to happen next. But whatever happened to living in the present? Living out the moment that you are in right now? I am guilty of this, of course, or I would not be writing about it. But I believe that so many good things can happen when we are living fully in the present moment. Not living in the past, or looking ahead to the future. There is a saying, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery. But today is a gift. That's why it's called the present". So, unwrap the gift and start living it!!!
I've been reading a book called "When the Heart Waits" by Sue Monk Kidd, for a class I'm taking this semester. It is an absolutely phenomenal book. I really enjoyed it when I started reading it, but today it was especially mind-blowing. Nearly everything written seemed like it was being written for me. Kind of amazing from a book that is required for a class, right? (On a side note, this class is totally awesome, and every book has been amazing!) This book is all about spiritual waiting periods, where we seem to be lost in the dark, God seems to be silent, and we feel like we have been abandoned and are about to hit bottom. Well, I was in that place after my mission trip to Thailand last summer, for 3-4 months at least. It is a scary place, especially when you're not sure what is going on. Even though I had not read this book yet, let alone even heard of it, the Lord slowly showed me through talks with various people, that I was essentially going through a waiting period, and that if I persisted, I would emerge a new creation. The author uses the analogy of a caterpillar in a cocoon, as it is transforming into a butterfly, a new creation. Being in that waiting period is hard and often scary; but to be honest, it is one of the best things you could ever go through in your spiritual life. And to be frank, every Christian should be going through them, because through them, we can emerge on the other side a new creation, closer to God, and stronger in Him, with greater revelations of Him than we've ever been able to handle before. There are things about God that I know now, that I would have never known had a not experienced that waiting period in my life. I am so thankful for that period of my life, even though during it, it was the darkest time in my life. But through it, I emerged as a new person, with so many new insights to God that I had never seen, and a deeper love for Him than ever before. So if you're reading this and you are a Christian, but feel alone, abandoned, like God is silent, and that you are hitting rock bottom, take heart. Slow down your busy life and look deep inside you, and see that it is most likely God calling you to something deeper. He may be withdrawing (yes, I did say that), but only to bring you closer to Him. He wants you to be nearer to Him, as close as his own heartbeat. It's scary, I know; but take courage (Joshua 1:6-9; Matthew 11), because Jesus has already conquered sin and death, and in Him, we have victory and we have life. So if this describes you, I hope you find comfort in these words. It's a hard path, this waiting period; but if you endure and travel to the light that will be at the end of the tunnel, you will emerge a new creation, never to be the same.
I say all this not only because of what I already have gone through, and because this book truly is amazing, but because I feel that I may be entering another waiting period. Possibly not as intense as the last one, but necessary all the same. There are parts of me that need to be healed, and love needs to bloom within me. I want to love from the very core of my being. I want to know Jesus' love (and by know, I mean experience). I want to be to each person I meet, the best example of Jesus' love that I can be to that person, whether family, friend, or so-called enemy. But in order to move to this new creation, there are things in my life, and belief systems that need to change, as well as false-selves (masks) that need to be removed from my life. Hence, the fact that I feel that there may be another waiting period arising. No two waiting periods are alike, friends. Some are shorter than others, and some feel like they will never end. But take heart! Because in the end, we will be more like Jesus, and we truly will be a new creation in Christ. This is a journey, friends. Life, in general, is a waiting period. Waiting for heaven...
I've been reading a book called "When the Heart Waits" by Sue Monk Kidd, for a class I'm taking this semester. It is an absolutely phenomenal book. I really enjoyed it when I started reading it, but today it was especially mind-blowing. Nearly everything written seemed like it was being written for me. Kind of amazing from a book that is required for a class, right? (On a side note, this class is totally awesome, and every book has been amazing!) This book is all about spiritual waiting periods, where we seem to be lost in the dark, God seems to be silent, and we feel like we have been abandoned and are about to hit bottom. Well, I was in that place after my mission trip to Thailand last summer, for 3-4 months at least. It is a scary place, especially when you're not sure what is going on. Even though I had not read this book yet, let alone even heard of it, the Lord slowly showed me through talks with various people, that I was essentially going through a waiting period, and that if I persisted, I would emerge a new creation. The author uses the analogy of a caterpillar in a cocoon, as it is transforming into a butterfly, a new creation. Being in that waiting period is hard and often scary; but to be honest, it is one of the best things you could ever go through in your spiritual life. And to be frank, every Christian should be going through them, because through them, we can emerge on the other side a new creation, closer to God, and stronger in Him, with greater revelations of Him than we've ever been able to handle before. There are things about God that I know now, that I would have never known had a not experienced that waiting period in my life. I am so thankful for that period of my life, even though during it, it was the darkest time in my life. But through it, I emerged as a new person, with so many new insights to God that I had never seen, and a deeper love for Him than ever before. So if you're reading this and you are a Christian, but feel alone, abandoned, like God is silent, and that you are hitting rock bottom, take heart. Slow down your busy life and look deep inside you, and see that it is most likely God calling you to something deeper. He may be withdrawing (yes, I did say that), but only to bring you closer to Him. He wants you to be nearer to Him, as close as his own heartbeat. It's scary, I know; but take courage (Joshua 1:6-9; Matthew 11), because Jesus has already conquered sin and death, and in Him, we have victory and we have life. So if this describes you, I hope you find comfort in these words. It's a hard path, this waiting period; but if you endure and travel to the light that will be at the end of the tunnel, you will emerge a new creation, never to be the same.
I say all this not only because of what I already have gone through, and because this book truly is amazing, but because I feel that I may be entering another waiting period. Possibly not as intense as the last one, but necessary all the same. There are parts of me that need to be healed, and love needs to bloom within me. I want to love from the very core of my being. I want to know Jesus' love (and by know, I mean experience). I want to be to each person I meet, the best example of Jesus' love that I can be to that person, whether family, friend, or so-called enemy. But in order to move to this new creation, there are things in my life, and belief systems that need to change, as well as false-selves (masks) that need to be removed from my life. Hence, the fact that I feel that there may be another waiting period arising. No two waiting periods are alike, friends. Some are shorter than others, and some feel like they will never end. But take heart! Because in the end, we will be more like Jesus, and we truly will be a new creation in Christ. This is a journey, friends. Life, in general, is a waiting period. Waiting for heaven...
Monday, January 10, 2011
Into the Unknown
Well hello! It has been an awfully long time since I have done this. I miss it! I am currently sitting back in my dorm room, unpacked, 8 days before classes start of my last semester, and currently bored out of my mind. I can tell you what I should be doing.... studying for senior comps. Yup. Those are coming up next week. Yikes!! But, I am pretty confident that I should pass (prays). But seriously, I have been working on these things for most of my time here in college, so I should be alright. I think it is more the thought of actually having to take them, and the fact that they are the only thing between me and graduation. Once I pass those, I am ready to graduate! I think that's why I'm so nervous for them. I don't want anything to mess up actually graduating this semester. Anyway, I am just going to study my little heart out, do my best and trust that God will see me through.
It is my last semester in college. Every time I think it, write it, hear it, or say it, I get a little freaked out. Not that I'm not excited to be done, or that leaving college is a bad thing. It is in fact a very good thing to move on with one's life. It's just the thought that I will be going off into the unknown. Not sure where my first job will be, or if I'll even get a job right away. Will I be going home without a job? Where will I live? Will I go somewhere completely new with no one I know? Scary thoughts, right? I probably shouldn't even be thinking about it a lot right now, and just try to enjoy my last semester. But how can I when I don't know where I will be going when it is over? Don't get me wrong... I am not nearly as worried about it as I was last week. And I am praying about it all the time, and just trying my best to trust that God will reveal His plan to me and open the door that's right, and close the door's that aren't right.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am about to step out into the unknown, of bills, apartments, insurance, groceries, career, about anything you can name. But that's all part of the journey. And even though I am slightly terrified at the thought of leaving my safe bubble at college and going out into the "real world", I am also very excited to be moving on and trying something new. So bring it on, because it's all a part of the gift of life that God has given us, and I am so excited to be on this journey!!
It is my last semester in college. Every time I think it, write it, hear it, or say it, I get a little freaked out. Not that I'm not excited to be done, or that leaving college is a bad thing. It is in fact a very good thing to move on with one's life. It's just the thought that I will be going off into the unknown. Not sure where my first job will be, or if I'll even get a job right away. Will I be going home without a job? Where will I live? Will I go somewhere completely new with no one I know? Scary thoughts, right? I probably shouldn't even be thinking about it a lot right now, and just try to enjoy my last semester. But how can I when I don't know where I will be going when it is over? Don't get me wrong... I am not nearly as worried about it as I was last week. And I am praying about it all the time, and just trying my best to trust that God will reveal His plan to me and open the door that's right, and close the door's that aren't right.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am about to step out into the unknown, of bills, apartments, insurance, groceries, career, about anything you can name. But that's all part of the journey. And even though I am slightly terrified at the thought of leaving my safe bubble at college and going out into the "real world", I am also very excited to be moving on and trying something new. So bring it on, because it's all a part of the gift of life that God has given us, and I am so excited to be on this journey!!
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