I am not a faithful blogger. But I really do like to put my thoughts down, so I want to pick this back up, even if no one else comments on them or even reads them. It's good for me to get my thoughts and feelings out, even if it's just on a silly blog.
So much has changed since the last time I wrote on here. The last time I wrote, I had no idea what God wanted me to do with my life, and now I am living in South Carolina!! I am now the music director/worship leader for a Nazarene church down here. Which is something I wasn't sure I would ever be doing. I know I went to school for Music Ministry and got a degree in it, but I just wasn't sure if I saw myself as the music minister type. I mean, my passion is music, but I wasn't sure if ministry was really what I wanted to be in. Plus, by the time I actually graduated, I wasn't even sure that's what God wanted for me. I needed to be sure that's where He really wanted me, and not just where I decided on cause that was the easy answer when people asked me what I was going to do with my degree. But here I am! Sometimes I still can't believe how everything has worked out, because it seems way to perfect for my human mind to comprehend. But that's because it wasn't my mind that planned it; it was God's. Which makes it perfect!! :) It's such a blessing to be able to see God's hand in what is going on in your life as you're trusting Him.
These first couple of weeks of ministry have been quite tiring. I've had to get unpacked and adjusted to living here on my own; I've been trying to get to know the people better; and planning services and then carrying them out is a lot harder than it looks. I'm not complaining, because I am truly blessed to be here, and so excited for this ministry that God has put me into. There is just so much more to being a minister of music than it looks like there is. It isn't all just playing music, let me tell you! But, no matter how tiring it is, I love it. It's a huge adjustment and I miss being near my family, but I'm convinced that this is what I was made for! What job I have may change, but as long as I am doing what God wants and leads me to, then I am doing what I was made for!
So here is to a new beginning. Here is to learning to walk in the Holy Spirit as He guides me along the BEST plan for my life. Here is to doing exactly what I was created for, for the rest of my life, no matter what job that is.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Monday, July 18, 2011
Don't Give Up
Right now as I write this I feel that I have stumbled onto another piece of the puzzle of trying to figure out what it is God wants me to do with my life. Well, for those of you who do not know, I finally realized after months of freaking out about what to do after school, that I didn't have much of an idea of what God wanted me to do. So, let's back up to the end of the school year.
As my last semester of college was drawing to a close I did not have a job, nor any prospects of a job. I had no clue what I was going to do or where I was going to go. For the past four years I have been convinced that becoming a worship leader is what I was supposed to do. So I studied Music Ministry at MNU for four years. Only now, I've come to realize that I'm not even sure if that's what God wants me to do. I know I am called to use music as a ministry tool, so I'm thankful that I did not waste four years of my life earning a degree I had no intention of using. However, I am not sure if worship leading is the path that God wants me to take; at least not in a church setting. That is really scary because I was so sure; maybe I had just convinced myself that was the path because it seemed like the easy answer when people asked me what I was going to do with my degree. So I graduated without a job, without any clue as to what I was going to do, other than move back home and try to pay the bills. For as long as I was scared, God did get me into the place where I actually became excited about that, because now every door was open; there were so many possibilities. So, for the time that I have been home, I have been seeking the Lord with a new approach: simply trying to get to know Him. While we were in Germany, the brother of a choir director that we were working with said to us, "If you want to know God's will for your life, get to know God". That seems like such a simple thing, but one that we don't normally take into account. Another revelation I had while in Germany, was that I feel called to use my music to somehow aid in helping those caught in the human trafficking industry. For those of you who do not know, I went on a missions trip to Thailand last year to work with an organization over there that aids in helping these kind of women. Before I realized this, it felt like the last two missions trips I had been on seemed so random and at opposite ends. Human trafficking and music ministry. I'm not sure if any two things could be farther apart. Yet, as odd as it seems, I feel the Lord leading me in a direction where those two will connect somehow.
To the present, I feel like I have found another piece, perhaps the biggest piece. I am not going to reveal it yet, seeing as how I have not even told my parents about it yet. Let's just say that it has always been a dream of mine since a was a little kid, one that I was sure could never happen. One I thought I was silly for dreaming about. But even though it's rooted from a childhood dream, who says that kids can't know exactly what it is they want to do for the rest of their lives? Who says that God doesn't speak to children about what His purpose for them is through what they are passionate about when they are young? I have a friend who shares my heart in how we want to raise our kids, and figuring out what our kids passions are and then helping them pursue those things are one of the ways we want to raise them. Unfortunately, this is a dream that seems very far out of reach right now. A lot of hard work and money are going to have to be put into it before it may become a reality. And it may take a long time to see it become reality. Yet, I trust that if this is what the Lord wants for my life, then He will help pave the way for it to happen.
I'm still not sure what the next step is, yet I know that if I continually seek the Lord then He will provide the answers. I believe this dream that has been there since childhood is there for a reason, because it is what I have always been passionate about. So that's why I titled this entry "Don't Give Up", because right now it seems so far out of reach, but if it is what the Lord wants, then it will come. Patience is a part of the journey. Right now God is asking for my patience as He works out the details of His plan for me. And I am so excited to see what is next!!!
As my last semester of college was drawing to a close I did not have a job, nor any prospects of a job. I had no clue what I was going to do or where I was going to go. For the past four years I have been convinced that becoming a worship leader is what I was supposed to do. So I studied Music Ministry at MNU for four years. Only now, I've come to realize that I'm not even sure if that's what God wants me to do. I know I am called to use music as a ministry tool, so I'm thankful that I did not waste four years of my life earning a degree I had no intention of using. However, I am not sure if worship leading is the path that God wants me to take; at least not in a church setting. That is really scary because I was so sure; maybe I had just convinced myself that was the path because it seemed like the easy answer when people asked me what I was going to do with my degree. So I graduated without a job, without any clue as to what I was going to do, other than move back home and try to pay the bills. For as long as I was scared, God did get me into the place where I actually became excited about that, because now every door was open; there were so many possibilities. So, for the time that I have been home, I have been seeking the Lord with a new approach: simply trying to get to know Him. While we were in Germany, the brother of a choir director that we were working with said to us, "If you want to know God's will for your life, get to know God". That seems like such a simple thing, but one that we don't normally take into account. Another revelation I had while in Germany, was that I feel called to use my music to somehow aid in helping those caught in the human trafficking industry. For those of you who do not know, I went on a missions trip to Thailand last year to work with an organization over there that aids in helping these kind of women. Before I realized this, it felt like the last two missions trips I had been on seemed so random and at opposite ends. Human trafficking and music ministry. I'm not sure if any two things could be farther apart. Yet, as odd as it seems, I feel the Lord leading me in a direction where those two will connect somehow.
To the present, I feel like I have found another piece, perhaps the biggest piece. I am not going to reveal it yet, seeing as how I have not even told my parents about it yet. Let's just say that it has always been a dream of mine since a was a little kid, one that I was sure could never happen. One I thought I was silly for dreaming about. But even though it's rooted from a childhood dream, who says that kids can't know exactly what it is they want to do for the rest of their lives? Who says that God doesn't speak to children about what His purpose for them is through what they are passionate about when they are young? I have a friend who shares my heart in how we want to raise our kids, and figuring out what our kids passions are and then helping them pursue those things are one of the ways we want to raise them. Unfortunately, this is a dream that seems very far out of reach right now. A lot of hard work and money are going to have to be put into it before it may become a reality. And it may take a long time to see it become reality. Yet, I trust that if this is what the Lord wants for my life, then He will help pave the way for it to happen.
I'm still not sure what the next step is, yet I know that if I continually seek the Lord then He will provide the answers. I believe this dream that has been there since childhood is there for a reason, because it is what I have always been passionate about. So that's why I titled this entry "Don't Give Up", because right now it seems so far out of reach, but if it is what the Lord wants, then it will come. Patience is a part of the journey. Right now God is asking for my patience as He works out the details of His plan for me. And I am so excited to see what is next!!!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
When the Heart Waits
Wow! It has been a very long time since I have written. I really do miss it! The problem is I can just never seem to find the time... lame excuse. I use that for everything! Most people do though, I've realized. Time. There is never enough of it. Yet no matter how much time passes, we are always waiting for the next thing to happen, constantly looking ahead to the future. I mean, I know we can't help but be excited or curious about what is going to happen next. But whatever happened to living in the present? Living out the moment that you are in right now? I am guilty of this, of course, or I would not be writing about it. But I believe that so many good things can happen when we are living fully in the present moment. Not living in the past, or looking ahead to the future. There is a saying, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery. But today is a gift. That's why it's called the present". So, unwrap the gift and start living it!!!
I've been reading a book called "When the Heart Waits" by Sue Monk Kidd, for a class I'm taking this semester. It is an absolutely phenomenal book. I really enjoyed it when I started reading it, but today it was especially mind-blowing. Nearly everything written seemed like it was being written for me. Kind of amazing from a book that is required for a class, right? (On a side note, this class is totally awesome, and every book has been amazing!) This book is all about spiritual waiting periods, where we seem to be lost in the dark, God seems to be silent, and we feel like we have been abandoned and are about to hit bottom. Well, I was in that place after my mission trip to Thailand last summer, for 3-4 months at least. It is a scary place, especially when you're not sure what is going on. Even though I had not read this book yet, let alone even heard of it, the Lord slowly showed me through talks with various people, that I was essentially going through a waiting period, and that if I persisted, I would emerge a new creation. The author uses the analogy of a caterpillar in a cocoon, as it is transforming into a butterfly, a new creation. Being in that waiting period is hard and often scary; but to be honest, it is one of the best things you could ever go through in your spiritual life. And to be frank, every Christian should be going through them, because through them, we can emerge on the other side a new creation, closer to God, and stronger in Him, with greater revelations of Him than we've ever been able to handle before. There are things about God that I know now, that I would have never known had a not experienced that waiting period in my life. I am so thankful for that period of my life, even though during it, it was the darkest time in my life. But through it, I emerged as a new person, with so many new insights to God that I had never seen, and a deeper love for Him than ever before. So if you're reading this and you are a Christian, but feel alone, abandoned, like God is silent, and that you are hitting rock bottom, take heart. Slow down your busy life and look deep inside you, and see that it is most likely God calling you to something deeper. He may be withdrawing (yes, I did say that), but only to bring you closer to Him. He wants you to be nearer to Him, as close as his own heartbeat. It's scary, I know; but take courage (Joshua 1:6-9; Matthew 11), because Jesus has already conquered sin and death, and in Him, we have victory and we have life. So if this describes you, I hope you find comfort in these words. It's a hard path, this waiting period; but if you endure and travel to the light that will be at the end of the tunnel, you will emerge a new creation, never to be the same.
I say all this not only because of what I already have gone through, and because this book truly is amazing, but because I feel that I may be entering another waiting period. Possibly not as intense as the last one, but necessary all the same. There are parts of me that need to be healed, and love needs to bloom within me. I want to love from the very core of my being. I want to know Jesus' love (and by know, I mean experience). I want to be to each person I meet, the best example of Jesus' love that I can be to that person, whether family, friend, or so-called enemy. But in order to move to this new creation, there are things in my life, and belief systems that need to change, as well as false-selves (masks) that need to be removed from my life. Hence, the fact that I feel that there may be another waiting period arising. No two waiting periods are alike, friends. Some are shorter than others, and some feel like they will never end. But take heart! Because in the end, we will be more like Jesus, and we truly will be a new creation in Christ. This is a journey, friends. Life, in general, is a waiting period. Waiting for heaven...
I've been reading a book called "When the Heart Waits" by Sue Monk Kidd, for a class I'm taking this semester. It is an absolutely phenomenal book. I really enjoyed it when I started reading it, but today it was especially mind-blowing. Nearly everything written seemed like it was being written for me. Kind of amazing from a book that is required for a class, right? (On a side note, this class is totally awesome, and every book has been amazing!) This book is all about spiritual waiting periods, where we seem to be lost in the dark, God seems to be silent, and we feel like we have been abandoned and are about to hit bottom. Well, I was in that place after my mission trip to Thailand last summer, for 3-4 months at least. It is a scary place, especially when you're not sure what is going on. Even though I had not read this book yet, let alone even heard of it, the Lord slowly showed me through talks with various people, that I was essentially going through a waiting period, and that if I persisted, I would emerge a new creation. The author uses the analogy of a caterpillar in a cocoon, as it is transforming into a butterfly, a new creation. Being in that waiting period is hard and often scary; but to be honest, it is one of the best things you could ever go through in your spiritual life. And to be frank, every Christian should be going through them, because through them, we can emerge on the other side a new creation, closer to God, and stronger in Him, with greater revelations of Him than we've ever been able to handle before. There are things about God that I know now, that I would have never known had a not experienced that waiting period in my life. I am so thankful for that period of my life, even though during it, it was the darkest time in my life. But through it, I emerged as a new person, with so many new insights to God that I had never seen, and a deeper love for Him than ever before. So if you're reading this and you are a Christian, but feel alone, abandoned, like God is silent, and that you are hitting rock bottom, take heart. Slow down your busy life and look deep inside you, and see that it is most likely God calling you to something deeper. He may be withdrawing (yes, I did say that), but only to bring you closer to Him. He wants you to be nearer to Him, as close as his own heartbeat. It's scary, I know; but take courage (Joshua 1:6-9; Matthew 11), because Jesus has already conquered sin and death, and in Him, we have victory and we have life. So if this describes you, I hope you find comfort in these words. It's a hard path, this waiting period; but if you endure and travel to the light that will be at the end of the tunnel, you will emerge a new creation, never to be the same.
I say all this not only because of what I already have gone through, and because this book truly is amazing, but because I feel that I may be entering another waiting period. Possibly not as intense as the last one, but necessary all the same. There are parts of me that need to be healed, and love needs to bloom within me. I want to love from the very core of my being. I want to know Jesus' love (and by know, I mean experience). I want to be to each person I meet, the best example of Jesus' love that I can be to that person, whether family, friend, or so-called enemy. But in order to move to this new creation, there are things in my life, and belief systems that need to change, as well as false-selves (masks) that need to be removed from my life. Hence, the fact that I feel that there may be another waiting period arising. No two waiting periods are alike, friends. Some are shorter than others, and some feel like they will never end. But take heart! Because in the end, we will be more like Jesus, and we truly will be a new creation in Christ. This is a journey, friends. Life, in general, is a waiting period. Waiting for heaven...
Monday, January 10, 2011
Into the Unknown
Well hello! It has been an awfully long time since I have done this. I miss it! I am currently sitting back in my dorm room, unpacked, 8 days before classes start of my last semester, and currently bored out of my mind. I can tell you what I should be doing.... studying for senior comps. Yup. Those are coming up next week. Yikes!! But, I am pretty confident that I should pass (prays). But seriously, I have been working on these things for most of my time here in college, so I should be alright. I think it is more the thought of actually having to take them, and the fact that they are the only thing between me and graduation. Once I pass those, I am ready to graduate! I think that's why I'm so nervous for them. I don't want anything to mess up actually graduating this semester. Anyway, I am just going to study my little heart out, do my best and trust that God will see me through.
It is my last semester in college. Every time I think it, write it, hear it, or say it, I get a little freaked out. Not that I'm not excited to be done, or that leaving college is a bad thing. It is in fact a very good thing to move on with one's life. It's just the thought that I will be going off into the unknown. Not sure where my first job will be, or if I'll even get a job right away. Will I be going home without a job? Where will I live? Will I go somewhere completely new with no one I know? Scary thoughts, right? I probably shouldn't even be thinking about it a lot right now, and just try to enjoy my last semester. But how can I when I don't know where I will be going when it is over? Don't get me wrong... I am not nearly as worried about it as I was last week. And I am praying about it all the time, and just trying my best to trust that God will reveal His plan to me and open the door that's right, and close the door's that aren't right.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am about to step out into the unknown, of bills, apartments, insurance, groceries, career, about anything you can name. But that's all part of the journey. And even though I am slightly terrified at the thought of leaving my safe bubble at college and going out into the "real world", I am also very excited to be moving on and trying something new. So bring it on, because it's all a part of the gift of life that God has given us, and I am so excited to be on this journey!!
It is my last semester in college. Every time I think it, write it, hear it, or say it, I get a little freaked out. Not that I'm not excited to be done, or that leaving college is a bad thing. It is in fact a very good thing to move on with one's life. It's just the thought that I will be going off into the unknown. Not sure where my first job will be, or if I'll even get a job right away. Will I be going home without a job? Where will I live? Will I go somewhere completely new with no one I know? Scary thoughts, right? I probably shouldn't even be thinking about it a lot right now, and just try to enjoy my last semester. But how can I when I don't know where I will be going when it is over? Don't get me wrong... I am not nearly as worried about it as I was last week. And I am praying about it all the time, and just trying my best to trust that God will reveal His plan to me and open the door that's right, and close the door's that aren't right.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am about to step out into the unknown, of bills, apartments, insurance, groceries, career, about anything you can name. But that's all part of the journey. And even though I am slightly terrified at the thought of leaving my safe bubble at college and going out into the "real world", I am also very excited to be moving on and trying something new. So bring it on, because it's all a part of the gift of life that God has given us, and I am so excited to be on this journey!!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Everything Falls Apart...
I am taking the brief break I have to write this, simply because I feel if I don't get some feelings out, I may burst. There are 2 1/2 weeks left of this semester, and while I cannot wait to be done with it, I don't know how I'll make it through the next two weeks in preparation of finals. On finals week alone I have at least one test a day, and that includes the two days BEFORE finals even start. I also have many projects and compositions that are due very soon, and seem to lack the proper amount of time to complete them. And as if that wasn't enough, my hearing for my recital is at the end of finals week, which means all 8 of my songs have to be memorized and ready to go. And then after all that, then I have to study for finals. 24 hours in a day simply don't seem to be enough anymore; not to do all that needs to be done and still get the proper amount of sleep. I just don't know how to get through these two weeks and get enough sleep so I don't become deathly ill; because I tend to get sick very easily. I apologize to those of you who have already heard this because I tend to vent and complain a lot when I am stressed. I don't want to; it just tends to come out. I want someone to know how I feel, and to join in with me and encourage me. And amidst all of this, what happens to my relationship with the Lord? I want so desperately to spend time with Him every day, but where on earth can I find the time? There just doesn't seem to be enough time to even sit and breathe for two minutes. I sure hope that he understands why I can't spend time with Him. But my question is, even if He does understand, which I'm sure He does, is there any real excuse for me to not spend time with Him? Does completing projects and writing compositions and studying for finals really make up for not spending time with Him? I guess I just want to know that He understands and that He is gracious in letting us be apart for a few days; or a couple weeks. Yet, I know that when I go any significant amount of time without being alone with Him, I get very affected, and start to slip away. I guess for once I don't really know where I'm going with this post, or how to end it. I have no answers. I'm trying to take things one step at a time, but I just feel like I'm drowning. Like I'm being beaten on every side and can't seem to get back up. I have to believe though that God does understand, and that He is patiently waiting for me to get through these two weeks so that we can spend some quality time together. That is my hope and faith, and I will cling to that. And just maybe, I'll be able to find a half hour or so here and there to spend some time with Him. The song that I am listening to as I write this, is the song in the title, "Everything Falls" by Fee. I encourage you to listen to it. It helps me a lot when I'm feeling battered and bruised. Here is the chorus:
"When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together.
When everything falls apart, You're the only hope for this heart.
When everything falls apart, and my strength is gone,
I find you mighty and strong. You keep holding on, You keep holding on."
The whole song is absolutely wonderful, and in listening to it, and writing this rambling, venting blog, I'm already feeling a bit better. I believe as long as I continue to seek Him in other ways, and keep pushing through, towards Him, He'll be patiently waiting for me as I get through this crazy time. That is one thing I love about Him so much; that He is so patient. And understanding. And so loving. He's just cool like that. Well, my break is almost up. Thanks for bearing with me as I rant and ramble. One step at a time, on this crazy journey we call life.
"When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together.
When everything falls apart, You're the only hope for this heart.
When everything falls apart, and my strength is gone,
I find you mighty and strong. You keep holding on, You keep holding on."
The whole song is absolutely wonderful, and in listening to it, and writing this rambling, venting blog, I'm already feeling a bit better. I believe as long as I continue to seek Him in other ways, and keep pushing through, towards Him, He'll be patiently waiting for me as I get through this crazy time. That is one thing I love about Him so much; that He is so patient. And understanding. And so loving. He's just cool like that. Well, my break is almost up. Thanks for bearing with me as I rant and ramble. One step at a time, on this crazy journey we call life.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The Name of the Game
What is the name of the game? Well, tonight it is procrastination. A deadly, deadly weapon. It lulls you into a false sense of security, just when you think you are in control of things. You think to yourself, "I have plenty of time. I think I'll just do it later, and nap. Or watch tv. Or not do anything." And then...... BAM! All of a sudden you are sitting there the night before your test, trying to cram all of the knowledge into your brain as you gradually fall asleep, hoping against hope that you will be able to remember more than half of what you've just learned; hoping that somehow, God will look kindly on you, and help you remember the things that you heard in class, but don't remember learning; hoping that you really do know more than you think you do.
How many of us do this? Show of hands anyone?? My hand is definitely raised WAY up. I think I probably do this almost every test. And after 3 1/2 years of college, I should know this about myself; that I procrastinate like nobody's business. And yet, I continually get lulled into that false sense of security, that looks so good on the outside, and sounds so wonderful at the time, but really is just a deadly trap. Granted, I've been blessed with the ability to cram and still do fairly well, and I actually have very good grades for how badly I procrastinate. I wonder if God really does look kindly on me and help me remember things I didn't even know I had learned. There are quite a number of times where I really don't do well at all, and it serves me right. Even if I do know that I am a decent crammer, I should never resort to doing that on purpose. I always have good intentions; I've even taken to mapping out a study plan; writing down what I'll study on which days. Now, don't get me wrong. A lot of the procrastination that has taken over me this semester has simply been business; I have 19 credit hours and am drowned in other things to do, as well as learning music for my recital and for jazz band. Yes, some of these are by choice (however, getting to 19 hours by having to take spanish was not a first choice... That was simply poor planning of my schedule in previous years). However, most of these are requirements; I simply have to do them. When I map out my study plan, it all sounds great; but then life tends to get in the way... I don't get enough sleep so I need a nap (or caffiene); I'm simply overwhelmed and just need a break; new homework that I didn't forsee has now popped up and is due before the actual test I need to study for; I only have THIS time for THIS assignment; I simply ran out of time.... I could on and on, but I'll spare you. There are just so many factors that play into this thing called procrastination.
Now you're probably wondering to yourself, "where is she going with all of this"? Well, to be honest, I'm not quite sure. I'm in a sort of rambling mood, and am frustrated at myself at procrastinating for the umpteenth time, and feeling the weight of the world as I sit and try to cram all of this knowledge into my head. I can't help but thinking, however, (brace yourself), is procrastination a sin? Now, I understand that there are times when we simply do need a break. I'm not saying that is wrong by any means. What person would be able to function for very long if they never took a break? But, hear me out, could procrastination be a tool of the enemy? It seems to have a lot of the characteristics of something that he would use: lures you into a false sense of security; puts off responsibilities for (usually) frivolous things; leaves you feeling anxious, stressed, worried; and, usually keeps you from a normal, healthy amount of sleep, which leaves you vulnerable to irritability, anger, outbursts, wrong attitudes, and even more anxiousness and worry. To me, these all sound like something that the enemy would use against us. Now, please don't get me wrong; I am not saying that watching television, or taking a nap, or taking a break is wrong. We all need those things. Well, maybe not the television part. But in order to take our focus away from the One that it needs to be on, and the responsibilities that have been given us, it sounds to me like the enemy uses procrastination as a tool to get us focused on other things just long enough to make the responsibilities seem like an extremely larger load than they really are, which (usually for me, at least) definitely takes my focus away from where it should be.
I wish I had a great solution to give you. But, in all reality, most of this blog really is just me rambling and posting ideas that I'm having as I'm trying to figure out how to live, and how to make it on this journey we call life, on my way to heaven. I also want to help you, whoever you are that is so kind to take the time to read this. I'm in no way judging; most of this is really for myself. But I do want to help others, and help raise awareness of things that I think we take for granted, or are possibly not aware of. I hope that through this we (especially me) can be more aware of this, and really take it to heart and think and pray about it, so that maybe the next time we're tempted with turning on the tv and putting off that homework that really won't take as long as we think it will (or even the homework that will take hours, practice,etc.), we'll think twice; and just maybe, we'll take another step forward on this journey.
Grace and peace
How many of us do this? Show of hands anyone?? My hand is definitely raised WAY up. I think I probably do this almost every test. And after 3 1/2 years of college, I should know this about myself; that I procrastinate like nobody's business. And yet, I continually get lulled into that false sense of security, that looks so good on the outside, and sounds so wonderful at the time, but really is just a deadly trap. Granted, I've been blessed with the ability to cram and still do fairly well, and I actually have very good grades for how badly I procrastinate. I wonder if God really does look kindly on me and help me remember things I didn't even know I had learned. There are quite a number of times where I really don't do well at all, and it serves me right. Even if I do know that I am a decent crammer, I should never resort to doing that on purpose. I always have good intentions; I've even taken to mapping out a study plan; writing down what I'll study on which days. Now, don't get me wrong. A lot of the procrastination that has taken over me this semester has simply been business; I have 19 credit hours and am drowned in other things to do, as well as learning music for my recital and for jazz band. Yes, some of these are by choice (however, getting to 19 hours by having to take spanish was not a first choice... That was simply poor planning of my schedule in previous years). However, most of these are requirements; I simply have to do them. When I map out my study plan, it all sounds great; but then life tends to get in the way... I don't get enough sleep so I need a nap (or caffiene); I'm simply overwhelmed and just need a break; new homework that I didn't forsee has now popped up and is due before the actual test I need to study for; I only have THIS time for THIS assignment; I simply ran out of time.... I could on and on, but I'll spare you. There are just so many factors that play into this thing called procrastination.
Now you're probably wondering to yourself, "where is she going with all of this"? Well, to be honest, I'm not quite sure. I'm in a sort of rambling mood, and am frustrated at myself at procrastinating for the umpteenth time, and feeling the weight of the world as I sit and try to cram all of this knowledge into my head. I can't help but thinking, however, (brace yourself), is procrastination a sin? Now, I understand that there are times when we simply do need a break. I'm not saying that is wrong by any means. What person would be able to function for very long if they never took a break? But, hear me out, could procrastination be a tool of the enemy? It seems to have a lot of the characteristics of something that he would use: lures you into a false sense of security; puts off responsibilities for (usually) frivolous things; leaves you feeling anxious, stressed, worried; and, usually keeps you from a normal, healthy amount of sleep, which leaves you vulnerable to irritability, anger, outbursts, wrong attitudes, and even more anxiousness and worry. To me, these all sound like something that the enemy would use against us. Now, please don't get me wrong; I am not saying that watching television, or taking a nap, or taking a break is wrong. We all need those things. Well, maybe not the television part. But in order to take our focus away from the One that it needs to be on, and the responsibilities that have been given us, it sounds to me like the enemy uses procrastination as a tool to get us focused on other things just long enough to make the responsibilities seem like an extremely larger load than they really are, which (usually for me, at least) definitely takes my focus away from where it should be.
I wish I had a great solution to give you. But, in all reality, most of this blog really is just me rambling and posting ideas that I'm having as I'm trying to figure out how to live, and how to make it on this journey we call life, on my way to heaven. I also want to help you, whoever you are that is so kind to take the time to read this. I'm in no way judging; most of this is really for myself. But I do want to help others, and help raise awareness of things that I think we take for granted, or are possibly not aware of. I hope that through this we (especially me) can be more aware of this, and really take it to heart and think and pray about it, so that maybe the next time we're tempted with turning on the tv and putting off that homework that really won't take as long as we think it will (or even the homework that will take hours, practice,etc.), we'll think twice; and just maybe, we'll take another step forward on this journey.
Grace and peace
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
This Is Where the Healing Begins
So it's been quite awhile since I've written. Man I miss it. I've been putting it off for a variety of reasons... from being incredibly busy, to I've had something on my mind that I haven't had words for, so I've just put it off. However, I don't think this blog will be about the subject that's been heavy on my heart, but now that I'm writing again, it will come soon. It won't be easy to write, and probably even harder for you to read; but I really hope you do. Anyway, we'll get into that (hopefully) next time.
Life has been so crazy this past month. For starters, its already the 9th of November. What?! Where did the time go?! My last fall semester is almost over... Mixed feelings on that one. I am very ready to be done with the school chapter of my life, but the reality of having to move on, and that my life is about to drastically change yet again, is scary. I'm glad I still have some time before this happens, but with how fast time is moving now, I can bet that the remaining time will go very quickly. I've had so many things happen this past month or so, and God has been moving in so many good ways! Yeah, I've had a lot of down times in this past month too. But through it all, I have come to notice (however small it may be), an underlying sense of peace. That everything really IS going to be okay. That God really IS here. That He really DOES love me. And that He really IS in control, and that He will not change no matter what happens to me or in my life. That, is an incredibly awesome feeling to know and have.
Today, we had another one of our Kingdom Come services that happens once a month. It is a time of worship, stories, and in the end, sending us back out into the world, encouraged and refreshed. While they all have been fabulous, (I mean come on, we're together just worshiping God.. what could be better?!) tonight was especially AMAZING. It was like we were on another level of worship and oneness with God. Especially myself. I couldn't get enough. I never wanted it to end. I could feel the presence of God probably thicker than I had ever felt it, and I never wanted it to go away. Sometimes I go so long without feeling something like that, that I am surprised and amazed every time at how wonderful it feels. Now I understand that we were not made to be able to stand that kind of feeling forever. Not in these earthly bodies anyway. But is it wrong to wish it would never go away? In His presence, I feel safe. I feel like I (with His help) can do anything. Face anything. Be who He wants me to be. I am reminded of what He went through to give me the freedom to be in the place, and I am reminded (and learn a little bit more each time) of how much He loves me. Why does it have to end? In a way, I'm beginning to see that it doesn't have to. Granted, we can't stay in that state of euphoria forever. Our earthly bodies can't physically handle it. Well that sucks. But, the good news is that we can be constantly searching for those moments. If we are doing that, I'm starting to believe that we will have those euphoric moments. If we're seeking God's presence, then we're seeking Him; we want to be with Him. Now if someone is wanting to be with you that much, wouldn't you want to spend time with them? Well, I definitely believe He wants to be with us more than anything, and to make us aware of His presence. He does not want us to feel alone. Also tonight, I felt like I couldn't raise my hands high enough. I almost climbed on my chair just so I could be closer. (Well "closer", I guess. His presence is all around us, but we won't get into that now). I just wanted to touch Him... to feel Him.. to be wrapped in His arms and for Him to never let me go. I also couldn't sing loud enough. I wanted Him to hear me. To hear me from my heart, my soul, my gut. To know that everything I was singing was true. That I meant it with all of my heart. I wanted to please Him with beautiful melodies, and with the gift of the voice He's given me as a singer. I just simply couldn't get enough. This afternoon I was spending some time with the Lord, and I had my music on in the background. I was reading in Matthew chapter 11, which I've read numerous times before. But something happened as I was reading it this time. As I was reading, the song "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North came on, even though I didn't realize it until about halfway through. As this song came on, I was reading these verses: "Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light" 28-30. Great words. They always have been, they always will be. But as I was reading, I was reminded of when I read these exact words while I was in Thailand, and I began to remember that I had learned something significant, but had forgotten about. I have a study Bible, so I again read what is written about those verses, and was reminded of what I had learned in Thailand, and was reminded anew of the truth it held. What does taking on Jesus' yoke mean? Being a Christian is hard.. extremely hard. Basically, what the study part says is that, Jesus didn't promise us an easy or luxurious life. But He did promise to give us help. If we take His yoke, then we are partnering WITH Him, and the weight, or burden, is now falling on stronger and bigger shoulders than our own. WOW! Does that blow your mind as much as it blows mine?! And all of these realizations occurred while that song was playing, even though at first I didn't hear the song. But as the words of the chorus came on, "This is where the healing begins, this is where the healing starts", I was blown away again. I'm not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts, but in the past months I have been broken to pieces by God, in a refining process, and felt like I was just laying there, waiting to be put back together, but not knowing how. And the realization that the words of Jesus is where the healing beings hit me (more now than at that moment), but in that moment, I realized that healing is coming, and this is where it starts. "When you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark". I've been broken, and I've realized, admitted, and accepted it, and now it's time for the healing to being. Wow. God is SO good! It may take awhile, and more things may need to be broken, and it may hurt worse than it ever has before; BUT, I truly do have the promise that the healing WILL come, and to that I will cling, as I continue on this journey.
Life has been so crazy this past month. For starters, its already the 9th of November. What?! Where did the time go?! My last fall semester is almost over... Mixed feelings on that one. I am very ready to be done with the school chapter of my life, but the reality of having to move on, and that my life is about to drastically change yet again, is scary. I'm glad I still have some time before this happens, but with how fast time is moving now, I can bet that the remaining time will go very quickly. I've had so many things happen this past month or so, and God has been moving in so many good ways! Yeah, I've had a lot of down times in this past month too. But through it all, I have come to notice (however small it may be), an underlying sense of peace. That everything really IS going to be okay. That God really IS here. That He really DOES love me. And that He really IS in control, and that He will not change no matter what happens to me or in my life. That, is an incredibly awesome feeling to know and have.
Today, we had another one of our Kingdom Come services that happens once a month. It is a time of worship, stories, and in the end, sending us back out into the world, encouraged and refreshed. While they all have been fabulous, (I mean come on, we're together just worshiping God.. what could be better?!) tonight was especially AMAZING. It was like we were on another level of worship and oneness with God. Especially myself. I couldn't get enough. I never wanted it to end. I could feel the presence of God probably thicker than I had ever felt it, and I never wanted it to go away. Sometimes I go so long without feeling something like that, that I am surprised and amazed every time at how wonderful it feels. Now I understand that we were not made to be able to stand that kind of feeling forever. Not in these earthly bodies anyway. But is it wrong to wish it would never go away? In His presence, I feel safe. I feel like I (with His help) can do anything. Face anything. Be who He wants me to be. I am reminded of what He went through to give me the freedom to be in the place, and I am reminded (and learn a little bit more each time) of how much He loves me. Why does it have to end? In a way, I'm beginning to see that it doesn't have to. Granted, we can't stay in that state of euphoria forever. Our earthly bodies can't physically handle it. Well that sucks. But, the good news is that we can be constantly searching for those moments. If we are doing that, I'm starting to believe that we will have those euphoric moments. If we're seeking God's presence, then we're seeking Him; we want to be with Him. Now if someone is wanting to be with you that much, wouldn't you want to spend time with them? Well, I definitely believe He wants to be with us more than anything, and to make us aware of His presence. He does not want us to feel alone. Also tonight, I felt like I couldn't raise my hands high enough. I almost climbed on my chair just so I could be closer. (Well "closer", I guess. His presence is all around us, but we won't get into that now). I just wanted to touch Him... to feel Him.. to be wrapped in His arms and for Him to never let me go. I also couldn't sing loud enough. I wanted Him to hear me. To hear me from my heart, my soul, my gut. To know that everything I was singing was true. That I meant it with all of my heart. I wanted to please Him with beautiful melodies, and with the gift of the voice He's given me as a singer. I just simply couldn't get enough. This afternoon I was spending some time with the Lord, and I had my music on in the background. I was reading in Matthew chapter 11, which I've read numerous times before. But something happened as I was reading it this time. As I was reading, the song "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North came on, even though I didn't realize it until about halfway through. As this song came on, I was reading these verses: "Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light" 28-30. Great words. They always have been, they always will be. But as I was reading, I was reminded of when I read these exact words while I was in Thailand, and I began to remember that I had learned something significant, but had forgotten about. I have a study Bible, so I again read what is written about those verses, and was reminded of what I had learned in Thailand, and was reminded anew of the truth it held. What does taking on Jesus' yoke mean? Being a Christian is hard.. extremely hard. Basically, what the study part says is that, Jesus didn't promise us an easy or luxurious life. But He did promise to give us help. If we take His yoke, then we are partnering WITH Him, and the weight, or burden, is now falling on stronger and bigger shoulders than our own. WOW! Does that blow your mind as much as it blows mine?! And all of these realizations occurred while that song was playing, even though at first I didn't hear the song. But as the words of the chorus came on, "This is where the healing begins, this is where the healing starts", I was blown away again. I'm not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts, but in the past months I have been broken to pieces by God, in a refining process, and felt like I was just laying there, waiting to be put back together, but not knowing how. And the realization that the words of Jesus is where the healing beings hit me (more now than at that moment), but in that moment, I realized that healing is coming, and this is where it starts. "When you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark". I've been broken, and I've realized, admitted, and accepted it, and now it's time for the healing to being. Wow. God is SO good! It may take awhile, and more things may need to be broken, and it may hurt worse than it ever has before; BUT, I truly do have the promise that the healing WILL come, and to that I will cling, as I continue on this journey.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)