What is the name of the game? Well, tonight it is procrastination. A deadly, deadly weapon. It lulls you into a false sense of security, just when you think you are in control of things. You think to yourself, "I have plenty of time. I think I'll just do it later, and nap. Or watch tv. Or not do anything." And then...... BAM! All of a sudden you are sitting there the night before your test, trying to cram all of the knowledge into your brain as you gradually fall asleep, hoping against hope that you will be able to remember more than half of what you've just learned; hoping that somehow, God will look kindly on you, and help you remember the things that you heard in class, but don't remember learning; hoping that you really do know more than you think you do.
How many of us do this? Show of hands anyone?? My hand is definitely raised WAY up. I think I probably do this almost every test. And after 3 1/2 years of college, I should know this about myself; that I procrastinate like nobody's business. And yet, I continually get lulled into that false sense of security, that looks so good on the outside, and sounds so wonderful at the time, but really is just a deadly trap. Granted, I've been blessed with the ability to cram and still do fairly well, and I actually have very good grades for how badly I procrastinate. I wonder if God really does look kindly on me and help me remember things I didn't even know I had learned. There are quite a number of times where I really don't do well at all, and it serves me right. Even if I do know that I am a decent crammer, I should never resort to doing that on purpose. I always have good intentions; I've even taken to mapping out a study plan; writing down what I'll study on which days. Now, don't get me wrong. A lot of the procrastination that has taken over me this semester has simply been business; I have 19 credit hours and am drowned in other things to do, as well as learning music for my recital and for jazz band. Yes, some of these are by choice (however, getting to 19 hours by having to take spanish was not a first choice... That was simply poor planning of my schedule in previous years). However, most of these are requirements; I simply have to do them. When I map out my study plan, it all sounds great; but then life tends to get in the way... I don't get enough sleep so I need a nap (or caffiene); I'm simply overwhelmed and just need a break; new homework that I didn't forsee has now popped up and is due before the actual test I need to study for; I only have THIS time for THIS assignment; I simply ran out of time.... I could on and on, but I'll spare you. There are just so many factors that play into this thing called procrastination.
Now you're probably wondering to yourself, "where is she going with all of this"? Well, to be honest, I'm not quite sure. I'm in a sort of rambling mood, and am frustrated at myself at procrastinating for the umpteenth time, and feeling the weight of the world as I sit and try to cram all of this knowledge into my head. I can't help but thinking, however, (brace yourself), is procrastination a sin? Now, I understand that there are times when we simply do need a break. I'm not saying that is wrong by any means. What person would be able to function for very long if they never took a break? But, hear me out, could procrastination be a tool of the enemy? It seems to have a lot of the characteristics of something that he would use: lures you into a false sense of security; puts off responsibilities for (usually) frivolous things; leaves you feeling anxious, stressed, worried; and, usually keeps you from a normal, healthy amount of sleep, which leaves you vulnerable to irritability, anger, outbursts, wrong attitudes, and even more anxiousness and worry. To me, these all sound like something that the enemy would use against us. Now, please don't get me wrong; I am not saying that watching television, or taking a nap, or taking a break is wrong. We all need those things. Well, maybe not the television part. But in order to take our focus away from the One that it needs to be on, and the responsibilities that have been given us, it sounds to me like the enemy uses procrastination as a tool to get us focused on other things just long enough to make the responsibilities seem like an extremely larger load than they really are, which (usually for me, at least) definitely takes my focus away from where it should be.
I wish I had a great solution to give you. But, in all reality, most of this blog really is just me rambling and posting ideas that I'm having as I'm trying to figure out how to live, and how to make it on this journey we call life, on my way to heaven. I also want to help you, whoever you are that is so kind to take the time to read this. I'm in no way judging; most of this is really for myself. But I do want to help others, and help raise awareness of things that I think we take for granted, or are possibly not aware of. I hope that through this we (especially me) can be more aware of this, and really take it to heart and think and pray about it, so that maybe the next time we're tempted with turning on the tv and putting off that homework that really won't take as long as we think it will (or even the homework that will take hours, practice,etc.), we'll think twice; and just maybe, we'll take another step forward on this journey.
Grace and peace
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
This Is Where the Healing Begins
So it's been quite awhile since I've written. Man I miss it. I've been putting it off for a variety of reasons... from being incredibly busy, to I've had something on my mind that I haven't had words for, so I've just put it off. However, I don't think this blog will be about the subject that's been heavy on my heart, but now that I'm writing again, it will come soon. It won't be easy to write, and probably even harder for you to read; but I really hope you do. Anyway, we'll get into that (hopefully) next time.
Life has been so crazy this past month. For starters, its already the 9th of November. What?! Where did the time go?! My last fall semester is almost over... Mixed feelings on that one. I am very ready to be done with the school chapter of my life, but the reality of having to move on, and that my life is about to drastically change yet again, is scary. I'm glad I still have some time before this happens, but with how fast time is moving now, I can bet that the remaining time will go very quickly. I've had so many things happen this past month or so, and God has been moving in so many good ways! Yeah, I've had a lot of down times in this past month too. But through it all, I have come to notice (however small it may be), an underlying sense of peace. That everything really IS going to be okay. That God really IS here. That He really DOES love me. And that He really IS in control, and that He will not change no matter what happens to me or in my life. That, is an incredibly awesome feeling to know and have.
Today, we had another one of our Kingdom Come services that happens once a month. It is a time of worship, stories, and in the end, sending us back out into the world, encouraged and refreshed. While they all have been fabulous, (I mean come on, we're together just worshiping God.. what could be better?!) tonight was especially AMAZING. It was like we were on another level of worship and oneness with God. Especially myself. I couldn't get enough. I never wanted it to end. I could feel the presence of God probably thicker than I had ever felt it, and I never wanted it to go away. Sometimes I go so long without feeling something like that, that I am surprised and amazed every time at how wonderful it feels. Now I understand that we were not made to be able to stand that kind of feeling forever. Not in these earthly bodies anyway. But is it wrong to wish it would never go away? In His presence, I feel safe. I feel like I (with His help) can do anything. Face anything. Be who He wants me to be. I am reminded of what He went through to give me the freedom to be in the place, and I am reminded (and learn a little bit more each time) of how much He loves me. Why does it have to end? In a way, I'm beginning to see that it doesn't have to. Granted, we can't stay in that state of euphoria forever. Our earthly bodies can't physically handle it. Well that sucks. But, the good news is that we can be constantly searching for those moments. If we are doing that, I'm starting to believe that we will have those euphoric moments. If we're seeking God's presence, then we're seeking Him; we want to be with Him. Now if someone is wanting to be with you that much, wouldn't you want to spend time with them? Well, I definitely believe He wants to be with us more than anything, and to make us aware of His presence. He does not want us to feel alone. Also tonight, I felt like I couldn't raise my hands high enough. I almost climbed on my chair just so I could be closer. (Well "closer", I guess. His presence is all around us, but we won't get into that now). I just wanted to touch Him... to feel Him.. to be wrapped in His arms and for Him to never let me go. I also couldn't sing loud enough. I wanted Him to hear me. To hear me from my heart, my soul, my gut. To know that everything I was singing was true. That I meant it with all of my heart. I wanted to please Him with beautiful melodies, and with the gift of the voice He's given me as a singer. I just simply couldn't get enough. This afternoon I was spending some time with the Lord, and I had my music on in the background. I was reading in Matthew chapter 11, which I've read numerous times before. But something happened as I was reading it this time. As I was reading, the song "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North came on, even though I didn't realize it until about halfway through. As this song came on, I was reading these verses: "Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light" 28-30. Great words. They always have been, they always will be. But as I was reading, I was reminded of when I read these exact words while I was in Thailand, and I began to remember that I had learned something significant, but had forgotten about. I have a study Bible, so I again read what is written about those verses, and was reminded of what I had learned in Thailand, and was reminded anew of the truth it held. What does taking on Jesus' yoke mean? Being a Christian is hard.. extremely hard. Basically, what the study part says is that, Jesus didn't promise us an easy or luxurious life. But He did promise to give us help. If we take His yoke, then we are partnering WITH Him, and the weight, or burden, is now falling on stronger and bigger shoulders than our own. WOW! Does that blow your mind as much as it blows mine?! And all of these realizations occurred while that song was playing, even though at first I didn't hear the song. But as the words of the chorus came on, "This is where the healing begins, this is where the healing starts", I was blown away again. I'm not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts, but in the past months I have been broken to pieces by God, in a refining process, and felt like I was just laying there, waiting to be put back together, but not knowing how. And the realization that the words of Jesus is where the healing beings hit me (more now than at that moment), but in that moment, I realized that healing is coming, and this is where it starts. "When you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark". I've been broken, and I've realized, admitted, and accepted it, and now it's time for the healing to being. Wow. God is SO good! It may take awhile, and more things may need to be broken, and it may hurt worse than it ever has before; BUT, I truly do have the promise that the healing WILL come, and to that I will cling, as I continue on this journey.
Life has been so crazy this past month. For starters, its already the 9th of November. What?! Where did the time go?! My last fall semester is almost over... Mixed feelings on that one. I am very ready to be done with the school chapter of my life, but the reality of having to move on, and that my life is about to drastically change yet again, is scary. I'm glad I still have some time before this happens, but with how fast time is moving now, I can bet that the remaining time will go very quickly. I've had so many things happen this past month or so, and God has been moving in so many good ways! Yeah, I've had a lot of down times in this past month too. But through it all, I have come to notice (however small it may be), an underlying sense of peace. That everything really IS going to be okay. That God really IS here. That He really DOES love me. And that He really IS in control, and that He will not change no matter what happens to me or in my life. That, is an incredibly awesome feeling to know and have.
Today, we had another one of our Kingdom Come services that happens once a month. It is a time of worship, stories, and in the end, sending us back out into the world, encouraged and refreshed. While they all have been fabulous, (I mean come on, we're together just worshiping God.. what could be better?!) tonight was especially AMAZING. It was like we were on another level of worship and oneness with God. Especially myself. I couldn't get enough. I never wanted it to end. I could feel the presence of God probably thicker than I had ever felt it, and I never wanted it to go away. Sometimes I go so long without feeling something like that, that I am surprised and amazed every time at how wonderful it feels. Now I understand that we were not made to be able to stand that kind of feeling forever. Not in these earthly bodies anyway. But is it wrong to wish it would never go away? In His presence, I feel safe. I feel like I (with His help) can do anything. Face anything. Be who He wants me to be. I am reminded of what He went through to give me the freedom to be in the place, and I am reminded (and learn a little bit more each time) of how much He loves me. Why does it have to end? In a way, I'm beginning to see that it doesn't have to. Granted, we can't stay in that state of euphoria forever. Our earthly bodies can't physically handle it. Well that sucks. But, the good news is that we can be constantly searching for those moments. If we are doing that, I'm starting to believe that we will have those euphoric moments. If we're seeking God's presence, then we're seeking Him; we want to be with Him. Now if someone is wanting to be with you that much, wouldn't you want to spend time with them? Well, I definitely believe He wants to be with us more than anything, and to make us aware of His presence. He does not want us to feel alone. Also tonight, I felt like I couldn't raise my hands high enough. I almost climbed on my chair just so I could be closer. (Well "closer", I guess. His presence is all around us, but we won't get into that now). I just wanted to touch Him... to feel Him.. to be wrapped in His arms and for Him to never let me go. I also couldn't sing loud enough. I wanted Him to hear me. To hear me from my heart, my soul, my gut. To know that everything I was singing was true. That I meant it with all of my heart. I wanted to please Him with beautiful melodies, and with the gift of the voice He's given me as a singer. I just simply couldn't get enough. This afternoon I was spending some time with the Lord, and I had my music on in the background. I was reading in Matthew chapter 11, which I've read numerous times before. But something happened as I was reading it this time. As I was reading, the song "Healing Begins" by Tenth Avenue North came on, even though I didn't realize it until about halfway through. As this song came on, I was reading these verses: "Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light" 28-30. Great words. They always have been, they always will be. But as I was reading, I was reminded of when I read these exact words while I was in Thailand, and I began to remember that I had learned something significant, but had forgotten about. I have a study Bible, so I again read what is written about those verses, and was reminded of what I had learned in Thailand, and was reminded anew of the truth it held. What does taking on Jesus' yoke mean? Being a Christian is hard.. extremely hard. Basically, what the study part says is that, Jesus didn't promise us an easy or luxurious life. But He did promise to give us help. If we take His yoke, then we are partnering WITH Him, and the weight, or burden, is now falling on stronger and bigger shoulders than our own. WOW! Does that blow your mind as much as it blows mine?! And all of these realizations occurred while that song was playing, even though at first I didn't hear the song. But as the words of the chorus came on, "This is where the healing begins, this is where the healing starts", I was blown away again. I'm not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts, but in the past months I have been broken to pieces by God, in a refining process, and felt like I was just laying there, waiting to be put back together, but not knowing how. And the realization that the words of Jesus is where the healing beings hit me (more now than at that moment), but in that moment, I realized that healing is coming, and this is where it starts. "When you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark". I've been broken, and I've realized, admitted, and accepted it, and now it's time for the healing to being. Wow. God is SO good! It may take awhile, and more things may need to be broken, and it may hurt worse than it ever has before; BUT, I truly do have the promise that the healing WILL come, and to that I will cling, as I continue on this journey.
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